Voracious Vexation

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its worries, but empties today of its strength."

- Charles Spurgeon

I hate worrying about everything.

I worry, worry, worry all of the time.

I worry about tests.

I worry about projects.

I worry about people.

I worry about safety.

I worry about our country.

You name it, and I worry about it.

I think I am slightly paranoid.

Or something.

Whatever it is, I waste my precious brain-power worrying about possible negative occurrences our outcomes, and it is just pointless.

I am sure I am not the only one who does this.

Let's remember that there is nothing we can do to control the future.

We just have to trust that Jesus will help us through it, not matter what happens.

And I bought Sonic for Brittany today.

"For peace of mind, resign as General Manager of the Universe." - Anonymous

Bending and Twisting

"Stand up and walk out of your history." - Phil McGraw

Today was quite a day.
Where do I even begin?

Well, for starters, we are discussing homosexuality in my Marriage & Family class.
And our professor brought in a guest today.
And guess what?
He was gay.
And he told us all about why we should accept gay people.
He told us he has been living with a partner for 11 years.
Here are some interesting quotes from said gay man (didn't catch his name):
"Believe me - I tried everything to make myself straight, but I couldn't deny who I am."
"I was raped when I was three...I have known I was gay since I was little."
"I don't think life is supposed to be miserable - I think we should be happy."
"I believe in Jesus Christ."
"Some people go their whole lives without knowing true love; it's a shame - why should gay people not experience it?"
"I have decided to accept who I am..."
"I think there is a lot in the Bible that has been written by men, not God ... I think there is a lot that isn't of God..."

Interesting, huh?
He allowed questions at the end...but I couldn't just ask him my questions without losing my cool.

And so, as he spoke, I jotted down some interesting thoughts of my own.

"Maybe you did try to rehabilitate yourself to become straight. But do you know that being gay isn't something you are born in to? Do you not believe that it is something satan uses for our destruction? Do you refuse to believe that because then you would have to struggle with yourself every single day to deal with it and still be accountable to God?"

"Yes, a horrible, terrible, inconceivably bad thing happened to you. I cannot begin to imagine to know what it has been like living with that. But then you said you knew you were gay when you were little...do you think your rape had nothing to do with that 'discovery'? Do you know that in a recent study, 7 out of 8 people who identified themselves as being gay, lesbian, or bisexual had rape, alcoholism, etc. in their past, usually childhood? Do you really believe this originated in your brain by some abnormality in your DNA? Since you believe in things beyond our own planet, you therefore do believe that there is an evil force in our world - and you also believe he had nothing to do with your pain and struggles with yourself?"

"Who said life is supposed to be happy all the time? Through Jesus, yes, we can have hope in a future beyond our own stunted lives - that should make us happy. But does that mean we get to do whatever we want and 'be happy' all the time?"

"You believe in Jesus Christ? Maybe you believe in part of Him. You can only serve two masters. No, I am not perfect. I have my own struggles, we all have our own problems. But we can learn from each other. You do not know everything. You, like everyone else, needs Jesus' cleansing blood. But we cannot pick and choose which teachings we want to believe."

"Yeah, some people do go their whole entire lives without knowing romantic love. That can disappoint our human nature, our human desire to fulfill that kind of need. But what is more important than that love? Following God's commands - He loves us more than any human ever could. Shouldn't we, out of love, serve Him first, not our human desires?"

"You have decided to accept who you are? You've given up! I can't imagine going my entire life struggling with something like that, and why God allowed that to happen to you, I cannot answer. But I can see that He allowed it to test your trust and reliance in Him and His word. But living an entire life fighting something like that would be hard - apparently too hard for you. You have stopped fighting it because it's easier. No, it won't ever go away. But that doesn't mean that God's commands do."

"Unfortunately, you believe those commands were put into the Bible by men, therefore justifying your decision. How can something be so clear to me, yet so unfounded to you? I cannot explain it any more, I can only hope that you change your mind."

Whew.
If I had been speaking with him alone, I might have said these things to him.
But I feel inadequate to try and dissuade him - I feel like someone with more religious ability than me should confront people about issues like these.
I am still growing and learning.
If you disagree with me, please leave your comments.

And after that, I went to Sonic.
And the lady who brought my drink was crying, for heaven's sake!
She said she had a terrible toothache, but they were short workers, and couldn't find any to take her shift, so she had to stay there instead of go to the doctor.
I wish I could have been bold enough to barge in there and advocate for her.
But I told her I was sorry she was in pain, and I hoped she would feel better.
I am a mouse.
And I didn't even think to pray with her.

Like I said, I am not prepared.
I am selfish.
Totally focused on me, me, me.
But I am willing to change and grow.
That makes the difference.

"You can bend it and twist it. You can misuse it and abuse it. But even God can't change the truth." - Michael Levy

Speaking a Dead Language

"Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression." - Dodie Smith

Sometimes I don't feel like myself.
That means I don't feel like rehashing my days.
Some days I just don't care.
And that's not like me, yet it's a part of me anyway.
I don't get it.

Wednesday (Feb. 17):
Katie and I kept Levi's girlfriend, Anna, in our room for a few days while she attended the Honor Choir Festival.
That was kind, right?
Sure.

Thursday (Feb. 18):
Took photography midterm.
Didn't whine about it.
That was kind, right?
Why not?

Friday (Feb. 19):
Let people cut me off in traffic without yelling at them...to myself.
Whee.

Sabbath (Feb. 20)
Went to Honor Choir concert...though I wanted to sleep.
It was awesome.
They did great.
Made me miss the olden days.

Today:
Held some doors.
Bought Sonic drinks.
Impulsively bought 10 songs on iTunes.
The Creamy Bean was closed.
Whatever.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to be done with this.
I just want to go home.
I'm done.
But I won't give up.
I wasn't raised that way.
I will ignore my self-pity and deal with it.
Whatever.
I don't even make sense any more.
Whatever.

"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday." - Eeyore

Happiness

"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it." - Richard Bach

Today, I decided to be happy.

Having a good or bad day is a choice, not an uncontrollable circumstance.

It is okay to be happy - some people think that being happy is a sin.
I don't know why, because the Bible tells us to "rejoice and be glad".

I held more doors today.
And instead of being upset that I didn't have some divine inspiration, I decided to be content.

"If you want to be happy, well, be happy!" - Leo Tolstoy

OVER IT

"Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing." - Lao Tzu

And now, another catch up, brought to you by College-Students-Have-No-Lives-Outside-of-School Incorporated.

Friday:
Gave out Valentines gifts to various family and friends.
Stayed night at crazy-cat-lady Aunt Evie's house.
Had three fluffy kitties snuggle with me.

Sabbath:
Left house by 8:45 am.
Held precarious strawberry dessert prepared by Aunt Evie's boyfriend (thus, if I dropped it, I was dead meat) as she flew across the potholes and ice in her usual 30 mph-over-the-speed-limit way, in my new dressy cream colored coat.
Whew.
Gave brownies and Valentine's card to 90-year-old Great Aunt Blanche, and brought her to church.
Helped Mommy prepare Sabbath lunch.
Ate like a starved pig.
Went to brother's Wind Symphony concert - AWESOME.
Ate Mexican food at 10 pm.

Sunday:
BEST.DAY.EVER.
Slept in.
Got coffee with a brain buzz shot.
Drove with Mommy and Daddy to Atlanta.
Ate at Sweet Tomatoe's.
Went shopping.
Spent too much money.
Came back :(
Held doors.

Today: A Typical Monday
Class.
Class.
Class.
Held more doors.
Class.
Class.
Homework.
Worship.
Filled out survey.
...
Whee.

I think I am just ready for a break.
Midterm is quickly approaching.
But that's not enough.
I just want to be done and go home.
And do things I want to do.
Like...walk through long, sweet green grass.
Look up and see cerulean sky.
And white fluffy marshmallow clouds.
And feel a cool, lingering breeze.
And lay on a soft, fluffy, pink blanket.
And draw faces.
And watch I Love Lucy with my Mom.
And discuss politics with my Dad.

Life is never what we want it to be.

"I'm over it." - Evelyn Howe

Where Does the Good Go?

"Don't be yourself - be someone nicer." - Mignon McLaughlin

I have a high distaste for people that think they know everything.

I have an even higher distaste for people who say mean things about people, thinking they get away with it.

No matter how secret your words, someone always hears.

It just sickens me to see people act so ... heartless.

Today, in Photography class, we were discussing some of the photos - what we liked or disliked.

We have a couple guys in our class who like to speak up a lot.

One "knows everything".

And the other seems to genuinely want others to realize things about a picture, by pointing out things. He does it quite often, and he seems a bit different.

But does that mean we can give each other knowing looks, snickers, and whispered "he is so weird"s, like I saw a few of my classmates doing?

I know we all do it.

I do it without thinking too.

But God showed me today just how ugly it is.

How did we become so cruel?

When did we stop caring, and stop being nice even when we don't want to?

Have we really become that selfish?

Let us not forget that other people have feelings too - everyone wants to feel needed and wanted.

You may not like someone very much, but it is our duty and just common courtesy to overlook our negativity, and treat people how they should be treated.

Aside from that, my kind act today was sending a Valentine's Day card to my little almost-three-year-old cousin, Aubree.

It was a lion that had soft, fluffy fabric stuff as a mane, and said "You're the best Valentine ever - no lion!"

Precious.

"Kindness is in our power - even when fondness is not." - Samuel Johnson

God Save Us

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." - C.S. Lewis

God save us.

So I was driving along, and stopped at a red light.
And I was next to some SUV, with their rap music playing.
Who knows what sort of disgusting and vile lyrics were running through the mind of the man driving.
He was a younger guy, and alone.
I got a whim to pray that God would influence him to reach over and change his music.
A minute went by and I was still asking God to intervene in the situation.
The man was singing along.
When I was sure nothing would happen, and the light was certainly about to change, an amazing thing happened.
No, the song did not end.
The man reached over and flipped the station.
I didn't hear any music after that, so I don't know what he changed it to, but the important thing is that God heard me.
God chose to intervene.
The whole thing was a whim, but He answered.
The man's mind was being lulled into a thoughtless, vulgar state.

God did not create us to coat our minds with mind-numbing beats and foul words.
That coating diminishes any sort of contact the Lord can have with us.
God did not create us to be tranquilized by the poison of Satan's disguises, rendering us to be bleary-eyed, glazed over nothings.

Yet we happily spend our lives playing video games, listening to bad music, watching degrading movies, etc. and etc. because it's easy.
We reject the purpose God gave us - we reject the intelligence He has given EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US.

God save us.

"The human spirit fails, except when the Holy Spirit fills." - Corrie ten Boom

Paradigm Shift

"Up, sluggard! And waste not life - the grave will hold sleeping enough." - Benjamin Franklin

So.

I received advice yesterday that changed my outlook.

I was told by someone, after reading my blog, that I should take more initiative in my acts of kindness, instead of waiting for them to happen.

And I have to agree with them.

I think I should start planning some acts of kindness.

So I don't keep having these "holding door" days.

Like today was.

Gah.

What do you think?

"Sometimes questions are more important than answers." - Nancy Willard

(PS) Darkroom was a disaster. I will spare you the details. You're welcome.

Setting the World on Fire

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

I know.
I know.
I know.
I am a slacker.
I apologize.
It has been all weekend.
And I am sorry.

HERE COMES YET ANOTHER SUMMARY.

Friday:
Got up at 6am.
Homework.
Class.
Class.
Held door.
Class.
Lunch.
Pack.
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME (best word in the English language)

Sabbath:
Church at Madison.
Smiled a lot.
Ben (mi hermano) played in Brass Festival - awesome!!!!!!
Lunch.
Visit.
Sleep.
Sonic.
Ate like a sow.
Played games.
Pass out from exhaustion...and food overload.

Sunday:
Homework.
Pack.
Sonic with Mom and Mrs. Hartman.
Discovered even seemingly perfect Moms have struggles too.
Listened like a friend...hopefully.
Came back to Southern...bleh.
Unpack.
Eat.
Sleep.

TODAY:
Some days are just...blah, ya know?
They're normal.
Fine.
Okay.
Depressing!
I wish I could do something extraordinary every day.
But I resigned myself to holding doors.
I need to learn to be content.
And patient.
And humble.
IT IS SO HARD.
I hope you all can identify with me.
Not that I'm impatient and overbearing...but that ... never mind.

I guess I don't have much to say today.
Simply that I need to learn to not want to "set the world on fire", but be content with a small flame.

"Until you make peace with who you are, you will never be content with what you have." - Doris Mortman

Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall

"Self pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable." - Maya Angelou

What a day.
Humbling.
But good.

On days such as this, it is easy to fall into a trap of feeling sorry for myself.
A lot of things go wrong.
First of all, it rained.
Now don't take this wrong - rain is a wonderful thing.
It nourishes the Earth.
But it sure can make me feel lethargic.
And melancholy.
And "blah".

For a part Sanguine like me, it stinks to feel so "woebegone".
It's like the world is going to end!
We just want to be happy!

But life isn't always "coming up roses".
I just have to accept it.
Sigh.

Today, I held more doors.
And smiled.
But not as much as if it had been sunny.

I also heard a friend tell me about all the difficult stuff that has happened to her today.
And I realized I should stop feeling sorry for myself.
We all go through our days with our heads buried under the sand.
We have blinders on, shielding our vision from other peoples' problems.
We can only see our own "tragedies".

I am guilty of this.

We are so ... pitiful.
Think about it.
We are so pathetic ... and so ... blind.
Blind because we cannot see, and do not wish to see.

I beseech God to unfog our eyes, and help us look with clarity for the hurts of others.

"There is a condition worse than blindness - seeing something that isn't there." - Thomas Hardy

The Great Commission

"To me, every hour of every day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle [and opportunity]." - Walt Whitman

Well, happy Wednesday everyone.
Even though it's pretty much over.

Oh well.

Today I held a door for about 65 people!
They were all leaving the same class room, so it was easy - ha ha.

An interesting thought occurred to me today.
We all try to find that "happy medium" - a life that is "perfect".
Nothing goes wrong.

As a child, it is your own birthday every day filled with cake and presents and toys and never having to make one's bed.
As an adult, we'd have our ideal job that was fun everyday, time to go out with friends, a significant other who always treated us right, family that we'd see more often than holidays, and plenty of time to do what we enjoy.
We try so desperately to get to that point.

What for?

Shouldn't we as Christians know that isn't what this life is about?

How is it possible we have lost our grip on the fact that this world is going to end soon - and our job is to bring others to His plan?
How can we ignore such a vital task?
Why do we run around every day trying to make more money, have more friends, or nice clothes?
What on earth are we doing????????

"Every man's life is a fairy tale, written by God's fingers." - Hans Christian Andersen

Oh To Shut My Motormouth

"The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich

I am good at talking.
I love to talk.
I love making people laugh.
I love telling stories.
I am demonstrative.
By nature, I am an extrovert.
I am loud.
Sometimes too loud.
Sometimes outspoken.

Today, God decided to teach a lesson of humility and quiet grace.

Over the past few weeks, I have become more and more aware of how little I actually listen to people.
I interrupt.
I have a bad habit of staring off into space when others are talking.
I often jump in and finish what they were going to say...even though it may not have actually been what they were going to say.

It is a hard lesson to unlearn.

I have also become more aware of just how beautiful quiet humility is.
Pure.
Unwordly.
Simple.
Moral.
Kind.
Sweet.
Faithful.
Devoted.
Chaste.
Clean.
Unsuspecting.
Innocent.
Submissive.
Gentle.
Meek.
Mild.

Those are the adjectives that we should all strive to be.
Especially those of use who are Choleric, Sanguine, or BOTH.
And that goes for you too, Melancholy and Phlegmatic.
We can all struggle with having that true character of Jesus - self denying.

So today, God sent me two friends who needed someone to talk to.
One was having family issues, and needed advice.
One had thoughts about her relationship that needed to be heard.

In the first, I needed to speak.
In the second, I needed to listen.

How wonderful it is to put someone before yourself.
How rare a time we actually remember to do it.

Today, I have been reminded what Jesus asked us to do.
To be servants of our fellow man, and serve out of love.

"Freely we serve, because freely we love." - John Milton

Bromidic Burbling

"Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key on the bunch that opens the lock." - Anonymous

Well.
There isn't much to say today.
Some days are like that.

I held a lot of doors and smiled a lot.
No epiphanies.
No voices from heaven or openings in the clouds - ha.

But God doesn't have to speak to us everyday.
Why should we deserve that?

"Happiness consists not with having much, but being content with little." - Marguerite Gardiner