Sick At Heart

We aren't supposed to be selfish.
We aren't supposed to focus on our own problems.
But right now, I can't help it, because honesetly, there aren't that many of you who read this, so what's the harm, right?

A couple days ago, I was sitting at Sonic. I tend to do that a lot. Happy Hour is awesome. Whatever.
And in one moment of looking around me, I saw this:
Youth driving at break-neck speeds, listening to music that sounds like nothing more than yelling and screaming.
A mom and kid in the SUV next to me were fighting.
The people in the car next to me were eating food that clogs arteries.
Fancy people drove by in their fancy cars.

Do we ever look up? Do we ever just stop this life or whatever it's supposed to be and look at what we're doing?
I don't think people do that much anymore.

I'm tired of fighting.
I want to go Home.

"Slough of Despondency"

I feel such a burden to share these thoughts.

We cannot go on like this.

We cannot stay blindly and blissfully unaware - we must realize the sobriety of the time in which we live.

We have the truth. The time has come for us to choose whom we love most.

We are lukewarm, and must realize the urgency at which we must decide.

This world sickens me. There is blatant disdain, and indifference to sacrifice and commitment to high morals and self denial. We care nothing about denying our sinful appetites - rarely do we stop and think about the eternal merit of our activities. It seems the desire for betterment is no longer important.

In recent years, people have focused so much on our inability to be perfect, and how we are to come to Christ just as we are - both thoughts are truth. But we focus only on those, and we forget to try.

Gone is the quest for beauty, innocence, and Christ-like character.

I wish no more to sit on the fence. There is nothing to live for in this world - no thing it produces is worth my soul.

I care not for riches, desire, or power - they are worth nothing.

I am disgusted with constant backsliding and failure, in myself above all.
I choose to try.

I know we can never be perfect, but shouldn't we still strive for it?

We can at least attempt to do our best.

Why are we so blind? Why do we live so unmoved by the evil around us? How can we, as Christians, be uninterested in what is going on around us? Can we not see the end is near? Do we not care to be on the right side of God's throne?

I urge you, fellow believers in Christ, as I am again more resolute in purpose; join me in the ever important task of self denial and rejection of all that is worldly. Ask yourself about every song, every movie, every friend, every activity and every thought in your head - does it bring you closer to your Saviour?

I am so repulsed by my own sinful nature. Surely I am not alone! Doesn't anyone else feel it?

I feel such a burden. I am sickened by constant failure. It pains my soul to know that I will never achieve the perfect character of Christ - I so long for the day when we no longer struggle. I yearn for purity and innocence.

I do not care how unpopular I or tradition become. Does our heritage mean nothing anymore? Don't you know that peace is impossible here on Earth? We can only have it in Heaven! We are corrupt, and incapable of peace.

Please, join me in revulsion of compromise. We cannot continue being lukewarm about where we stand.

Awaken to every activity you do, every person you model your life after. Don't look to other people for your salvation, but rather, petition our God. Plead with Him to renew your zeal. I pray we will all be filled with the passionate desire for saving souls as our early Advent ancestors were filled.

I beseech God to pour out a Spirit of revival on us.

We cannot continue in despondency! Place a desire for what is right above what is popular.

Just Do It Already!

"So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear ... let yourself be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life - a life energetic and blazing with holiness." - 1 Peter 1:13

An interesting thing just happened to me.

You know how sometimes something not-so-stellar happens to you, instead of choosing to look at the positive, you (yet again) let yourself fall into a "all life is gloom" mood?

That seems to happen to me a lot.

Well, this morning I had a test, and it wasn't the best one I've taken, so I was feeling bummed.

(Side note: What I should have done was admit that it wasn't great, but not let it affect my entire day).

I was walking from said test back to the dorm, and as I entered the hallway, there she was.

One of those people when, you aren't in the best of moods, you REALLY don't feel like talking to, let alone, being nice to.

I realized there was no avoiding it, since she was headed the same way as me, and I braced myself for the bristling, icy-blast-like enthusiasm.

"OH MY GOODNESS, RACHEL! HOW ARE YOU?!"

In that split second of response-gathering time, I had a full conversation in my head.

"Well," I thought to myself, "...I'll just say hi and get away as soon as I can."

When a voice interrupted.

"Rachel, it isn't that difficult to choose to be nice. Don't focus so much on yourself."

That certainly got my attention.

And you know what I realized?
It really isn't that hard to just put on a smile and be nice.
It's not all about "I, I, I, I, I" all the time.
In the end, I had a great conversation with her, and learned a valuable lesson.

"God doesn't want us to be shy with his gifts - be bold, loving, and sensible."

- 2 Timothy 1:7

Stir What'cha Got!

"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness."

- Seneca

First things first.

Last semester, I was doing this for my own benefit, and also for a class project, and thus I was on a deadline.
I want to have a wonderfully insightful blog every day, but I don't know if that is:

A) Humanly Possible
B) Time Strain Compliant, or
C) Expecting Too Much

Thus, I will post a blog entry when I actually have something insightful to share.
How about that?
What do you guys think?

Okay, now for the good stuff:

My family and I are currently on vacation in the beautiful state of California.
Aside from grievously missing my cats, I am having a fabulous time.

We stopped at a Panera Bread Co. for a quick lunch while on the road, and could not resist the temptation to buy a baker's dozen of the bagels.
We had already bought a pumpkin muffin and one of the cobblestone things, and thus could not finish eating them.
When we were cleaning up our table, a rather raggedy looking man sat down in the booth joined to ours.
He was on the borderline of homeless looking - he was either a well dressed hobo, or a very disheveled member of working society.
I didn't want to offend him by asking him if we could provide some food for him - an alternate future of being hit in the face with a grubby hand flashed before me, and I decided against it.
But I still felt like I should help him...just in case.
Thus, I packaged up our leftover baked goods, and left them there, temptingly close to his table.
That way, he could choose to take them without being embarrassed, seeing that we had left them there, or if he was indeed not homeless, think we are just irresponsible tourists.

I will never know if we provided the gateway between starvation and survival for that man, but I do know that I did what I could.
In the words of Pastor David Asscherick, I "stirred what I got".

I guess that's what is most important.
Not planning some elaborate showcase of goodwill.
But just working with what we have, to do the most we can.

"Real generosity is doing something nice for someone, not depending on knowing the outcome."

- Frank A. Clark

"

Falling Off the Wagon

"He who waits to do a great deal of good at once will never do anything." - Samuel Johnson

I figured it was high time I started doing this again.

Many of you have complained to me about "falling off the wagon", and I thank you for caring, and I also apologize for not doing this every day, and for not continuing it after school ended.

I miss it :(

BUT!

I will do my very best to keep this up - it should be pretty interesting, considering my family is going to California for a couple weeks. Maybe I can do some good out there too!

Thank you guys for being patient with me - I will continue to try to stick to my intended purpose without ranting so much. But if I do have some sort of spiritual revelation that I feel I MUST share, I know you will forgive me ;-)

Stay tuned for the next entry, hopefully coming soon!

"Do not wait for leaders - do good alone, person by person." - Mother Theresa

Sleepswimming

"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." - Beverly Sills

As a college student, you get to the point where you can't think anymore.

This usually happens in the final three weeks of school (like we are in now) and only accelerates in urgency and voracity as the days slip by.
Poor seniors have this disease times a million, for they move on to becoming "real adults", not just a summer and then another year of school.

If you are a college student like me (attention high school students: please hear me - I thought I was busy a year ago at this time...no, no. I was mistaken. I don't want to scare you, I really don't. But prepare now. Don't think you can go off to college and have fun all the time. DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO THAT DELUSION. PREPARE NOW.) you feel like you are being tossed about in a sea of assignments, drowned by tidal waves of reports, labs, essays, and the list goes on and on.

At least that is how I feel.
Drowned and brain dead.

I am so pitiful, I have forgotten to pray for an opportunity to act kindly.
Yes.
I have failed.
I have not done this every day like I wanted.
But sometimes, a report unfortunately takes precedence over happiness.
Isn't that sad?
Seems unjust and wrong.
So after this literal hell of "Hey fellow professors, let's kill the students!" is over,
I PLEDGE TO BE MORE FAITHFUL WITH THIS MISSION.

Please bear with me as I try to swim for my life.

And by the way, I am so glad I don't have to do this alone.
I have a Best Friend that wants to help me, and be with me every stroke of the way.

"It is impossible to get exhausted in work for God. We get exhausted because we try to do God's work in our own way." - Oswald Chambers

Sensory Overload

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may life you up in due time." - 1 Peter 5:6, 7

Today.

Today, my ears were temporarily deafened
by a decibel chart-shattering, eardrum ripping, sanity splitting
scccccccrrrrrreeeeeeeeeecccccccccchhhhhhhhhh
by a broken door leading into the student center.
This was nails on a chalk board times 50,000.

And then I went to a convocation by a talented guitarist.
But I had the misfortune of looking up at the giant, 3 million watt bulb
lights for no reason.
And was soundly blinded for a moment or two.
When vision returned, everything was clouded, whirling, and surreal.
It didn't take long for my eyes to snap back to normal...thank goodness.

What a day.

Then it occurred to me that the presence of God may be something like that.
Except minus the unpleasantness.
And adding in gloriousness.
...
This was a bad analogy.
But WHATEVER.
It makes sense in my head.

So anyway.

God's presence KILLED PEOPLE.
One guy just touched something the Lord had dwelled in, and he dropped dead!
Elijah was allowed to see God as He passed a cave, but God had to partially block his vision so Elijah wouldn't die!
Just gazing on Him is death!

Makes me feel like a sinful piece of flotsam.

I don't know why,
but for some reason that Holy and marvelous God
gave us His Son.

"Though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not." - C.S. Lewis

Word Vomit

"No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen." - Jewish Proverb

So.
Hey.

Haven't blogged in a little while.
And I finally have something to say.


STOP
THINKING
YOU
KNOW
EVVVEERRRYYYYTTTHHHHIIIINNNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Count to 10, Rachel. Count to 10.


Some people think they are doing the world a favor by lending their endless knowledge
to those of us who are, according to them, "un-enlightened"
as to their brilliance, and smirk at the notion that a person could
possibly know something they don't.

STUPID ELITISTS.

Lame.
Lame.
Lame.
Lame.
Lame.

Our job, as Christians, is not to go around telling everyone what we think we know.
It is to LISTEN.
That means ceasing running our mouths.
For once.

Sheesh.

So next time you feel the urge,
that sickening, twisting, unsettling impetus to tell a person all about your "extensive" knowledge,
just put a cork in it and listen to what they have to say.
WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!

Maybe, EVEN YOU, will learn something.

That goes for all of us.

"Never miss a chance to shut up." - Will Rogers

Blinders of Blessings

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Today I was standing in line at the cafeteria, and I heard something that startled me.

A guy was talk to his friends, and (yes, I shamelessly eavesdropped) he said:
"I can't come back next year."
His friends answered:
"Why?"
He then said:
"Well, since I live in Korea, I am required to serve in the military for two years - then I can possibly come back to Southern."

I am a victim of consumerism.
We have to have new stuff, right now, until it isn't new anymore.
Which is usually not very long.

Some little kid is dying of starvation right now.
Some elderly man is drinking sewer water because he has no other water source.
Some young woman is going to sell herself tonight because she has no money.

We are so pathetic.
We take God's gifts to us for granted.
We think we DESERVE all that He has provided for us.
Who do we think we are?

"If you can't be content with what you have, be thankful for what you have escaped."

- Anonymous

Eh

"I refuse to make uninspired music." - Ben Harper

It seems like the more I try to do kind things for people, the more often kindnesses are shown to me.

I am sad this blog has morphed from it's original intent into my own religious ravings.
Although they are somewhat entwined.
Whatever.

I have been lax about faithfully blogging every day.
And that makes me angry.
But I just haven't had much to say the last week or so.
I'm not sure why.

"Boredom is an emptiness filled with insistence." - Eric Hoffer

I Can't Take It In

"What is man, that thou art mindful of him, and the son of man that thou visit him?"

- Psalm 8:3,4

Things aren't always sunshiny.

Sometimes they just downright stink.

You drift away from things that matter,

and fill your mind with things that don't.

But God always has a way of bringing you back into focus.

Like showing us how small we are.

There was a worship tonight in the dorm.

They showed a video of a man speaking about God in relation to the universe He created.

(by the way, I found them on YouTube - do yourself a favor and watch them: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewktSKbWZUI )

I have not the words to speak of this.

The subject is too immense for me.

But I can say that God always has a way of coming back into our lives.

We just have to let Him in.

That means actually spending time with Him.

The fact that we have that option is what He died for.

And that just ... flabbergasts me.

And I apologize for not blogging every day.

I held a lot of doors, made a few cards, and bought Sonic drinks.

"Don't tell God how big your problem is. Tell your problem how big God is." - Owen Orr

Painters With Poor Eyesight

"How do we know that the sky isn't green ... maybe we are all just colorblind." - Anonymous

Maybe we are.
We all live behind the screens of past experiences.

There is so much out there.
But we walk down the promenade
and eat take-out salad
and tie our shoes
and look at faces
and walk up stairs
and sync our ipod
and slam drawers
and drop our soap in the shower
and text multiple people at the same time thinking we know everything.

Don't just think "yeah, that's true" to yourself and move on.
Think about it.
Dwell on it.
Remember it as you wake up tomorrow.
We base our whole world views on stuff that has happened to us that we have analyzed to death.

I want to look at things as if I've never seen them before.

It's funny how this whole thing has turned into what it is.

And I held doors again today.
And that's okay.

"There are no facts, only interpretations." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Cricket Noises

"One always speaks badly when one has nothing to say." - Voltaire

Yep.
I don't really have anything to say.
But I did make an anniversary card for some friends of the family, and a birthday card for my 3-year-old second cousin.
They were awesome.
If I say so myself.

Since that is all that I have to say...I will say no more.

"When you have nothing to say, say nothing." - Charles Caleb Cotton

Jeepers Creepers!

"Opportunities? They are all around us. There is power lying latent everywhere waiting for the observant eye to discover it." - Orison Swett Marden

Sometimes God is obvious.

Sometimes He just puts things right in front of us.

Literally.

Hi my name is Rachel, and I am a Sonic addict.

I was there today, parked on the right side, which looks out to the Crye-Leike realty office, a big billboard, and the road that goes under the railroad tracks.

As I was waiting for my drink of hallelujah-I-did-the-ACT-again-without-blowing-a-gasket, I looked up at the sign for the Crye-Leike office.

They always have cute little wordings to grab attention.

But today, oh today, there was the best one I have seen in a while.

It read:

"Two hot new listings on Turkey Lane - call Lori at 555-5555 (ha) to 'gobble' up the information!"

I laughed to myself, envisioning cute little turkey realtors showing Good Housekeeping-worthy homes.

And so, I called up Lori.

It was after 5pm, so no one answered, but I left a message telling her how cute the sign was, and that I looked forward to their creative wording and ideas, and they brighten up my day, and that I hoped they had a fabulous weekend.

I thought it might be stupid, because ... well, I couldn't really come up with an excuse.

So I called.

And guess what?

LORI CALLED ME BACK.

I was in the shower, so she left a voicemail, and she told me:

"Rachel, you made MY day. I always wonder if anyone notices my signs, and you just made me feel special! Thank you for taking the time to tell me that - I appreciate you!"

The blessings go both ways.

If we just look up and open our eyes!

"It's marvelous what you could see if you opened your eyes." - Anonymous

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Consciousness - that trying time between naps." - Unknown

And I though I was busy last week.

I need to stop using this thing for a rant.
But it has become a very personal outlet for me.
This isn't just about a class assignment.
It is a spiritual and mental growth outlet.

And that said, I will try to rant less.
We'll see how that goes.

And I will try harder to get this done every day.

So my acts of kindness: sadly there hasn't been time for more than holding doors and smiling.
But maybe this weekend will be better.
We'll see how that goes too.

"I'm not asleep ... but that doesn't mean I'm awake." - Anonymous

The Master Gardener

"How soon 'not now' becomes never." - Martin Luther

Indeed.

Well, here I am.
A full week behind in my blog.
Yes, a break was upon we Southern students, and I actually did not intend to take a break from my blog, but you all know how breaks are for getting things done.

Therefore, I am left to beg your pardon once again for my lack of resolve.

I had quite a break.
The weekend of February 26 was spent mostly at the Madison Campus Church.
A faith summit was held by the Amazing Facts ministry, with Pastor Doug Batchelor presenting.
I got to meet him, and shake his hand.
He is indeed shorter than he appears on tv.
However, he is a wonderful speaker - and said a great deal of things we need to hear.
One thing he said that particularly struck me was that we "sin by proxy".
2 Corinthians 5:10 tells us to tear down the structures of sin we erect in our lives - that includes, I believe, perhaps not participating in acts that are sin, but watching or listening to people who do them, and being entertained by it.

On Sunday, my family and I went to St. Louis!
We ate at Sweet Tomatoe's twice, and went up the arch.
It was wonderful.

And then we returned home to laze around and do nothing.

And now I am back here in my cell...er...dorm room.

We had an interesting discussion in Life and Teachings today.
I am sure you are acquainted with the likening of sin to a weed.
And anyone who has gardened knows that some weeds are easy to root out.
But others...others linger.
Other weeds' roots snap off in the soil, and germinate therein again.
You need a special tool to get that sort of weed completely out (and the easy weeds, I might add).
And that, I believe to be God's forgiveness.
We are incapable of pulling out the objectionable creeper on our own.
We try and try and try, and still that despicable seedling rises again.
We need God's strength and know-how to get rid of it entirely.

He is the Master Gardener.
Let us learn from His "green thumb".

"I always think about sins when I weed. They grow apace in the same way and are harder still to get rid of." - Helena Rutherford

Voracious Vexation

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its worries, but empties today of its strength."

- Charles Spurgeon

I hate worrying about everything.

I worry, worry, worry all of the time.

I worry about tests.

I worry about projects.

I worry about people.

I worry about safety.

I worry about our country.

You name it, and I worry about it.

I think I am slightly paranoid.

Or something.

Whatever it is, I waste my precious brain-power worrying about possible negative occurrences our outcomes, and it is just pointless.

I am sure I am not the only one who does this.

Let's remember that there is nothing we can do to control the future.

We just have to trust that Jesus will help us through it, not matter what happens.

And I bought Sonic for Brittany today.

"For peace of mind, resign as General Manager of the Universe." - Anonymous

Bending and Twisting

"Stand up and walk out of your history." - Phil McGraw

Today was quite a day.
Where do I even begin?

Well, for starters, we are discussing homosexuality in my Marriage & Family class.
And our professor brought in a guest today.
And guess what?
He was gay.
And he told us all about why we should accept gay people.
He told us he has been living with a partner for 11 years.
Here are some interesting quotes from said gay man (didn't catch his name):
"Believe me - I tried everything to make myself straight, but I couldn't deny who I am."
"I was raped when I was three...I have known I was gay since I was little."
"I don't think life is supposed to be miserable - I think we should be happy."
"I believe in Jesus Christ."
"Some people go their whole lives without knowing true love; it's a shame - why should gay people not experience it?"
"I have decided to accept who I am..."
"I think there is a lot in the Bible that has been written by men, not God ... I think there is a lot that isn't of God..."

Interesting, huh?
He allowed questions at the end...but I couldn't just ask him my questions without losing my cool.

And so, as he spoke, I jotted down some interesting thoughts of my own.

"Maybe you did try to rehabilitate yourself to become straight. But do you know that being gay isn't something you are born in to? Do you not believe that it is something satan uses for our destruction? Do you refuse to believe that because then you would have to struggle with yourself every single day to deal with it and still be accountable to God?"

"Yes, a horrible, terrible, inconceivably bad thing happened to you. I cannot begin to imagine to know what it has been like living with that. But then you said you knew you were gay when you were little...do you think your rape had nothing to do with that 'discovery'? Do you know that in a recent study, 7 out of 8 people who identified themselves as being gay, lesbian, or bisexual had rape, alcoholism, etc. in their past, usually childhood? Do you really believe this originated in your brain by some abnormality in your DNA? Since you believe in things beyond our own planet, you therefore do believe that there is an evil force in our world - and you also believe he had nothing to do with your pain and struggles with yourself?"

"Who said life is supposed to be happy all the time? Through Jesus, yes, we can have hope in a future beyond our own stunted lives - that should make us happy. But does that mean we get to do whatever we want and 'be happy' all the time?"

"You believe in Jesus Christ? Maybe you believe in part of Him. You can only serve two masters. No, I am not perfect. I have my own struggles, we all have our own problems. But we can learn from each other. You do not know everything. You, like everyone else, needs Jesus' cleansing blood. But we cannot pick and choose which teachings we want to believe."

"Yeah, some people do go their whole entire lives without knowing romantic love. That can disappoint our human nature, our human desire to fulfill that kind of need. But what is more important than that love? Following God's commands - He loves us more than any human ever could. Shouldn't we, out of love, serve Him first, not our human desires?"

"You have decided to accept who you are? You've given up! I can't imagine going my entire life struggling with something like that, and why God allowed that to happen to you, I cannot answer. But I can see that He allowed it to test your trust and reliance in Him and His word. But living an entire life fighting something like that would be hard - apparently too hard for you. You have stopped fighting it because it's easier. No, it won't ever go away. But that doesn't mean that God's commands do."

"Unfortunately, you believe those commands were put into the Bible by men, therefore justifying your decision. How can something be so clear to me, yet so unfounded to you? I cannot explain it any more, I can only hope that you change your mind."

Whew.
If I had been speaking with him alone, I might have said these things to him.
But I feel inadequate to try and dissuade him - I feel like someone with more religious ability than me should confront people about issues like these.
I am still growing and learning.
If you disagree with me, please leave your comments.

And after that, I went to Sonic.
And the lady who brought my drink was crying, for heaven's sake!
She said she had a terrible toothache, but they were short workers, and couldn't find any to take her shift, so she had to stay there instead of go to the doctor.
I wish I could have been bold enough to barge in there and advocate for her.
But I told her I was sorry she was in pain, and I hoped she would feel better.
I am a mouse.
And I didn't even think to pray with her.

Like I said, I am not prepared.
I am selfish.
Totally focused on me, me, me.
But I am willing to change and grow.
That makes the difference.

"You can bend it and twist it. You can misuse it and abuse it. But even God can't change the truth." - Michael Levy

Speaking a Dead Language

"Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression." - Dodie Smith

Sometimes I don't feel like myself.
That means I don't feel like rehashing my days.
Some days I just don't care.
And that's not like me, yet it's a part of me anyway.
I don't get it.

Wednesday (Feb. 17):
Katie and I kept Levi's girlfriend, Anna, in our room for a few days while she attended the Honor Choir Festival.
That was kind, right?
Sure.

Thursday (Feb. 18):
Took photography midterm.
Didn't whine about it.
That was kind, right?
Why not?

Friday (Feb. 19):
Let people cut me off in traffic without yelling at them...to myself.
Whee.

Sabbath (Feb. 20)
Went to Honor Choir concert...though I wanted to sleep.
It was awesome.
They did great.
Made me miss the olden days.

Today:
Held some doors.
Bought Sonic drinks.
Impulsively bought 10 songs on iTunes.
The Creamy Bean was closed.
Whatever.

I just want to be happy.
I just want to be done with this.
I just want to go home.
I'm done.
But I won't give up.
I wasn't raised that way.
I will ignore my self-pity and deal with it.
Whatever.
I don't even make sense any more.
Whatever.

"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday." - Eeyore

Happiness

"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it." - Richard Bach

Today, I decided to be happy.

Having a good or bad day is a choice, not an uncontrollable circumstance.

It is okay to be happy - some people think that being happy is a sin.
I don't know why, because the Bible tells us to "rejoice and be glad".

I held more doors today.
And instead of being upset that I didn't have some divine inspiration, I decided to be content.

"If you want to be happy, well, be happy!" - Leo Tolstoy